Facts About the New Pope

1. Old
2. White
3. Hates it when people tell him to “Lighten Up”
4. Not a Nazi
5. Publicly hates gays
6. Calling for the return of eating lepers and bathing with prostitutes, just like Jesus
7. Recently got upgraded to a much better bus pass, he no longer has to share his seat
8. Those weren’t bells ringing when he was elected, just his giant brass balls
9. Interviewed General Grant
10. Very cranky without his afternoon nap
11. Encourages the baptism of single mothers
12. Vowed to raise the minimum age of fondling altar boys from seven to nine.